At the site of the monthly meeting of the LOSERS (Leaders Only Successful in Effective Ruin of Society) at an undisclosed location:
Barack Hussien Obama: My fellow LOSERS, thank you for accepting my candidature to your esteemed organisation. I am grateful for your repeated kind invitations during my tenure, particularly during the senate elections, the healthcare reform, the Libyan stand-off and the debt ceiling negotiations. Yes, it has taken me a long time to get here. I think you will easily believe that I had no say in the matter. In addition to consulting Michelle, Malia, Sasha, Oprah, Warren, Hillary,Joe and Mr Teleprompter, recently I have had to ratify every move with members of Senate, the FED and even the FBI. Infact the Republicans now have a committee especially for me, called UCAN’T – such a silly acronym, right? Anyway at the end, I took your advice David, and I convinced them that the best thing, is to do nothing. And I promptly flew the house off in Warren’s private jet to Canada where people haven’t heard of internet or debt. So I’m finally here now!
David Cameron: See Mate? Didntcha tell you that nothing works like doing nothing!
Nicholas Sarkozy(in a deep artificial voice): But where is Kate Middleton?
Everyone ignores him.
Barack Obama: Damn right you are, pal! This policy of ‘waste not, do not’ congress maybe the best thing that happened to us. Already the markets are lifting and new jobs are opening-so what if only as hotel maids to French Ambassadors? Triple X shall lift us straight to Triple A’s. Not that I care about the erroneous rating by some arbitary agency. Especially since most of my voters dont even know that A comes before B and triple is more than double.
Nicholas Sarkozy: But where is Sarah Palin?
Everyone ignores him.
Muammar Gaddafi: Anyway, my fickle friend, enough of this nonsense! Your rotten American friends and their Freedom have got us in the mess we are in today. FREEDOM. FREEDOM. FREEDOM. FREEDOM for banks to fool customers. FREEDOM for your illiterate public to buy products to be as smart as the immigrant banker. FREEDOM to unholy upstarts like Steve Jobs and Marc Zuckerberg to put deadly weapons like the I-phone and Facebook in….
‘FACEBOOK!!!‘ Hosni Mubarak jumps out of his chair and whips out his latest AK-56. ‘Where is this FACEBOOK? I’m going to kill him!‘ The leaders duck desperately for cover and security guards rush in. It takes half an hour to calm Mubarak down and restore peace.
No one speaks for sometime,eyeing Mubarak warily. Only Dr Singh, who has seen worse in Indian Parliaments has the courage to speak up.
Manmohan Singh: This virus of FREEDOM has to be stopped. We were doing great until your western style media invaded India. Even then, we thought we would get free Rakhi Sawant and Poonam Pandey, but instead of bikini babes, we have been harassed by bhooka babas with an eye on our Swiss Francs!
Angela Merkel: Swiss Francs? But last time, you promised to buy Euros!
Nicholas Sarkozy: But where is Raki Sauwan?
Everyone ignores him.
Gaddafi: Enough! I vote that we bomb the whole lot. The FED, Fannie Mae, Isreal,Freddie Mac, Marc,Isreal, Steve, the whole Silicon Valley, all the back offices from Gurgaon to Jakarta, Isreal. The whole chain of rebellion-finished! Kaput! God bless!
Barack Obama (whitening): Bomb? But I just won the Nobel peace prize.
Angela Merkel (pointedly) : You are running three wars.
David Cameron: No, bombing is too…too effective. Lets just use electric tazers or plastic bullets.
Manmohan Singh: Maybe we can bribe them, give them money. The way we do it back home- I can even pay my own Government to shut my own Government off. Wait a minute…
Angela Merkel: Oooh! Maybe we can start a fund- Save the world from technology (SWFT) fund. Then it would look like it was important and had a lot of money, but really it would all just be a notional hype so that it looked like we were magically saving the world by doing nothing. (and she clinked her wine glass to David Cameron)
Barack Obama: But still, they’re the richest men in the world! Who would have that kind of money?
Everyone shuffles and looks at their shoes. Slowly their gazes fall on Dr Singh
Manmohan Singh: Me! But after the cut to Mrs Gandhi, Yedurappa Reddy Lalit Bhanot, A Raja and the cricket team, I will be left with only a few measly hundred thousand crores. Only one country has that kind of money nowadays.
David Cameron (slapping Barack Obama on his back): Get ready to kiss some Chinese arse!
Barack Obama: After kissing the republicans’ chastity belts? Piece of cake! But wait! I have to consult a few hundred people. Is there international dialling here? On second thoughts, I should use the Wi-fi, can’t afford to increase my debt, you see, heh heh! Do you think we get facebook?
‘FACEBOOK!” Leaders duck in terror as Hosni Mubarak emits a gut-wrenching yell and whips out his AK-56 again. Bullets start flying and the meeting scatters in an instant.
David Cameron catches up with Dr Singh in top speed.
“Do you think they will miss us if the mainiac kills us today?’ he calls as they run for their lives.
Like this? Then why dont you